I’ve been stewing on this post for a few days now, but I needed to deal with some of my own guilt and emotional issues first. This is heavy stuff, people.
Clearly, from my previous posts, one can assume that I am severely type A. I like organization. I appreciate being able to classify things in my life. I research things that are important to me and I generally succeed at the things I put my mind to. I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that I would succeed at breastfeeding.
But I failed.
My sweet baby has Clampdown Bite Reflex. Some children grow out of it quickly, for others it takes a long time. Unfortunately for us, it prevented Grayson from gaining enough weight. And two weeks later, it’s still preventing him from feeding at the breast. He just can’t get enough milk from me. It also doesn’t help that I have severe supply issues. As in, I have none.
Everyday I try to feed him, fail, and say I’m done. I say I’m going to give up the good fight and just formula feed. And then every day, the guilt starts all over again.
I think most people assume that breastfeeding will go well. It seems like something that should be intuitive. The baby comes out knowing how to suck, so why don’t we instinctually know how to offer them our boobs? Why doesn’t it work for everyone?
There is no way for me to summarize my struggles with breastfeeding into one post. I just have to know that I really did give it my best shot, and I have to be ok with the fact that it didn’t work. And it won’t magically work tomorrow.
I know there are moms out there that will judge me, but I wanted to give everyone out there that also tried, and failed, that they are not alone. This is tough stuff. And just because breastfeeding didn't work out the way I had hoped, doesn't mean that I am not willing to do everything I can for my son.
There is so much more to write – but I just can’t do it.